Each part of this journey is opening the path to the next adventure or challenge.
I’m realizing that the most important part of this entire journey is not the cancer but how I approach each phase or aspect of it. It’s about being true to myself every step of the way and recognizing choices as opportunities for empowerment. If I listen to the cues that are whispering inside of me I have valuable opportunities on this cancer journey.
My current creative challenge now is staying ahead of ‘side effects’. They range from overwhelming tsunami’s to just huge crushing ‘Jaws’ waves. I am learning to either dive under the wave if possible or stay on the crest of the wave ahead of the crushing white water that follows. I also know that even the best swimmer cannot always survive without the aid of a jet ski or helicopter, i.e. drugs and advice from doctors and nurses! Toughing it out with Tylenol when a tsunami is barreling down is only foolish pride and guaranteed extended pain.
So, what to do with piercing headaches, nausea, racing electrical currents, crippling constipation, rapid hair loss, numbing foot neuralgia, bruised veins in my arms, etc. First I focus on being aware of their approaching magnitude and velocity and then chart a course. It’s all in the timing. Quick, take the ‘antidote’ drugs ahead of the crush or is this one that I can handle some other way. Walking helped the foot neuralgia and the exercise also helped move the chemical cocktail pulsing trough me and out the door. Having a port placed in my chest to save my arms and calm my anxiety.
Hair loss is not the result of all chemotherapy but in my case, it is. Being blessed with a very thick head of hair revealed some interesting choices and challenges.
I was fascinated by the initial density of hair that showed up on my brush or fingers, not to mention the shower floor (I devised a special grill over the drain to save the plumbing!).
Fascination then turned to fun with the portable vacuum which created perfect soft white birds’ nests. While visiting our dear friends Laura and Amy in Point Reyes I discovered a fairyland of beautiful scenic choices on their property for my hair-nests.
I plan to return them in spring for any enterprising bird who might want an insta-nest.
Staying in front of the wave of hair everywhere was fun thus far and a short haircut to reduce my shedding mess was a relief. While I was having so much fun I didn’t notice the wave was quickening under me as the rapid hair loss continued and my scalp was shining through.
Suddenly I was looking at the reflection of my dying father from 30 years ago in the final stages of his cancer. Crushing memories gazed back at me each morning as I gazed in the mirror. I couldn’t escape my face or his. I was tumbling in the whitewater of grief, fear and loss. This morning with Janet’s loving help I was able to once again say goodbye to my father and regain sight of myself and my journey.
As Janet shaved my head I could feel her loving hands guide me back up into clear water well ahead of the crumbling wave. I'm back and ready for whatever comes next.
